mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Randomize
