he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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