I wish I only lived at night.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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