my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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