I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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