Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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