I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Randomize