$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
