I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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