god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I feel great
I just peed on a car
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize