then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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