I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
