she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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