This chick, for whatever reason, has serious "Leave your wife and kids and also break up her young marriage in order to frolick for a good 2 weeks before I realize that she's just like the rest of them and I made a huge mistake and ruined a lot of lives in the process" potential. It's SO INTRIGUING.
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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