My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Randomize
