Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
