I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
