I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
