remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
