all she had left on were here heels. phone five
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
