And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
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