we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Randomize
