Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
