i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
this is an emotional support booty call
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
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