It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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