Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Randomize
