Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Randomize