I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
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