the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
Randomize
