I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
