your parents love me but you hate me
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
