my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
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