That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Randomize
