OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
Randomize
