I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
My pussy is not your playground.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
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