You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
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