He asked to "fluff my boner.."
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I wonder if those guys know that i know that is a halfway house and dont just think it is some cool older guy frat house.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Randomize
