Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
Randomize
