i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
spencer pratt says his family invinted chess
that kid is like the al gore of hollywood.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
bring money and cleavage
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
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