No stitches, just platelets and will power
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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