why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
When are your genitals available?
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
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