If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
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