Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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