he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
