i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
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