FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
