I faked an abortion last night.
Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
Semen is not good for contacts.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
