you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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