if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
