i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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