i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
They are going to name an STD after you.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
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