im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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