Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
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