Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Randomize
