He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
Randomize