he told me I talked like a deaf person
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
