My nipple is on Facebook.
oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Congratulations! We have a period
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