I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
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