My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize
